I have a dysfunctional relationship with makeup.
When I say this, I mean that I have never really mastered the physical techniques. I know what the experts, beauty-icon how-to manuals, internet beauty gurus, and random broads with too much mascara say is the best way to apply it. However, my manual dexterity rates somewhere between ‘hyperactive spider monkey after too much coffee’ and ‘actual disability in muscular control,’ which means ‘simple’ techniques become an exercise in creative obscenity at ever-increasing volumes and the progenitor of a growing stack of used makeup wipes on my bathroom counter. Continue Reading